GWAR vs the crystal gems
by gojirules
Summary: the crystal gems square off with the most dangerous band in rock n' roll history


ukelele guy : oh here's a story that , should be told , it's kinda new , not very old , i bring you now to the cookie cat radio show , so put your life on hold as this adventure unfououououlds  
>singers : the cookie CAAAAAAAAAT<br>announcer : at a time and a place for 4 reasons , forgal local cookie cat band with a accordian , space beings make it their 5th preformance on the cookie cat radio show , the host of the cookie cat radio show , bow tie wearing , horn rimmed glasses sporting , anton makon , hook on while space beings strike up another tune  
>song : youuuuuu sure showed me that the 1 de party life ma ne youuuuuu sure showed me that the 1 de party life ma ne<br>announcer : but suddenly out of nowhere , a force disrupts and a foulrific smell fills the air and a evil cackle fills the air  
>oderus urungus : hahahahaha , youuuuuuu sure showed me that i , oderus urungus , the lead singer of GWAR , could conquer the earth so easilyyyy hahaha<br>announcer : ahh kids stop drop and roll , run for the emergency shelters for the vengance of GWAR has been unleashed , i repeat , the vengance of GWAR has been unleashed , now kids for all those who are unaware , GWAR are a outcast group of space marauder aliens , short tempered and blood-thirsty from the lowest ranks of filth , these antarctic demigods of disaster were banished to earth millions of years ago to pay for colossal crimes , raping an pillaging from a short plaste , cutting a swath through the entertainment world , mutilating and traumatizing millions , plotting and soon to dominate the world (random scream) with all this in mind , cookie cat intern johnson confronts the scabby , mutated , grotesque , analmorph , grippling , clawed aliens of death  
>johnson : excuse me , hello , mr. GWAR , uh , i'm gonna have to ask you to leave , there's just too many people in the radio studio , and this wasn't cleared with station management<br>announcer : anton tells space beings to strike up another tune , space beings do so  
>song : so tired of carryin' your backs all day<br>announcer : meanwhile , GWAR's short tempered oderus urungus is furious and unleashes a almighty evil force  
>oderus urungus : DAAAAAAAAAG , HOW DARE THEE NOT BOW BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY GWAR (random scream) , haha , you dare to show disrespect to your savior , oderus , then you shall feel the tortality of my heartless wrath , chained to a solitude of pain<br>bonesnapper : on your knees , you miserable little freaks  
>announcer : sensing there might be a problem arising , quick witted and in your face dallas manton takes a stand for his brother<br>dallas : yo man , since you're always too dumbass ugly , i ain't even gonna try to win you always with my love horns , oh , well , maybe , i can try a little new jingle , music please  
>song : oderus and , uh beefcake , and pustulus , and jizmak , sexecutioner , bonesnapper , and don't forget their manager , sleazy p. martini , but the ugliest of GWAR of them all , is the take on the mighty kemar , they're GWAR , yep , they're GWAR<br>oderus urungus : SHUT UP , SHUT IT , knee , you , shall , pay , gravely , AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH  
>announcer : oderus raises his 2 handed sword in retaliation when dallas , of course , interrupts<br>dallas : well , we're about to be rescued , saved by , like , ya know , a force more powerful than you power ranger wannabes , say like the mighty superhero of sorts who can like right wrongs , allow justice prevail , how 'bout , space beings , hit it boys  
>song : here's a story in the buckle of fear , about 2 cats and a couple of tangerines<br>oderus urungus : you call yourselves space beings , it's going to be easier to conquer this planet than i thought , he , he , ha , ho , ho  
>space beings : oh please no<br>(zombies march heard in the background)  
>announcer : while the almighty GWAR brings the wrath of zombies march , the cookie cat intern markie escapes into the background , and escapes the company through the backdoor , he races into the surrounding area<br>(a few months later)  
>markie : i must get help , GWAR just ate space beings , why couldn't they eat that new intern james , somehow i must stop the evil GWAR in it's tracks , they wanna take over the world , even worse , they wanna take over cookie cat co. , and that means no more cookie cats or internal pres of the day , i must get help , but who is powerful enough to take me back to my cookie cat happy land<br>garnet : take me back to my happy land  
>markie : garnet , is that you<br>garnet : i was so life's biggest fan  
>markie : the crystal gems' leader<br>garnet : take me back to my happy land  
>markie : shut up<br>garnet : why hello cookie cat intern markie , why so glum , could you possibly use a crystal stick , they're full of that zippin' energy that'll keep you going throughout the day  
>markie : the cookie cat company's in trouble<br>garnet : oh yeah , we heard about the stop of sales , so what happened , run out of ingredients  
>markie : no , GWAR took over the company , i think they're gonna broadcast signals of destruction and take over the world<br>garnet : shed no tears , young sweet markie , doesn't the cookie cat radio signal only reack a couple of miles in each direction , that is , when the wind is blowing just right , hahahaha  
>markie : well that was true for a while , but now , there's talk of international syndication of the cookie cat radio show , so GWAR will be able to transmit , and conquer the world<br>garnet : ooh , it's worse than i thought , so , what do ya want from me  
>markie : what do ya mean what do ya want from me , isn't that what the crystal gems are all about , saving worlds from interplanetarty slavery , facing new perils , righting wrongs , prevailing over villainy and scoundrels<br>garnet : well , that pretty much just applies to our own beloved hometown of beach city  
>markie : but GWAR is gonna take over the world<br>garnet : ooh , a giant eye almost did that once , so , how much are you offering  
>markie : ya mean i have to pay you money to save the world of cookie cat<br>garnet : well of course , crystals and fuel don't come cheap these days , let's see , for 5th de niro essay , the crystal gems can turn GWAR into laich a day powder , or for a small finder's fee , i can distract GWAR with a audition for the next spiderman movie  
>markie : but i don't have any money<br>garnet : well , then , with that kinda motivation , you can probably get joy jet  
>(random music is heard)<br>announcer : in a act of desperation , markie attempts to generate turns of which the crystal gems can relate  
>markie : think of the merchandising possibilities , GWAR vs. the crystal gems , t-shirts , patches , stickers , ... action figures<br>garnet : action figures , hmm , ok essay , now you're talkin'  
>announcer : garnet reaches toward the sky and gives the crystal gem hand signal and begins to sing the crystal gem theme song<br>(crystal gem theme song is heard in the background)  
>garnet : i , garnet , leader and challenger of all darkness , request the crystal gem roll call , ready , begin<br>pearl : pearl , the brains and strategy , and spear wielder  
>amethyst : amethyst , party animal and whip wielder (cracks whip)<br>steven : steven , new member and shiels , though i don't know how to summon it  
>announcer : so the crystal powered , weapon summoning , and gem embedded crystal gems march to the cookie cat company building to meet the challenge of GWAR<br>(metal music is heard in the background)  
>garnet : can you see anything pearl<br>pearl : yes , uhh , they're torturing them , they're making up puddle down breakdams , without cardboard , and , anton makon , they've taken away his horn rimmed glasses  
>garnet : that's not so bad , he can still see without his glasses<br>pearl : but , but now he has no identity  
>garnet : oh , the horror , hmm , i know i'm garnet , the almighty leader of the crystal gems , but do we have a plan , pearl<br>pearl : yes , let's distract them , with cookie cat intern markie  
>garnet : ya mean have markie walk into the lion's den , right into the line of fire where danger lurks around almost every corner , markie will never go for it<br>pearl : now markie , is , a temporary crystal gem , he's setting his money , so tell him where all the other temporary gems are doing  
>garnet : ohh , peer pressure , i like it , now i know why they call you the intelligent 1 , you crystal heavy low machine (laughter is heard)<br>announcer : so the crystal gems send in intern markie with a plan  
>oderus urungus : the almighty GWAR will feast in honor of it's victory over the cookie cat food chain , let's hear it guys<br>all GWARriors : HAAAAAYY  
>oderus urungus : now , roast those interns , brown that albino , garnish the feast with parsley , feed my ever swelling giant maggot , let the vomit launch victory fest begin<br>all GWARriors : HAAAAAYYuuhh  
>announcer : GWAR's blood thirst drep orgy is disrupted by the sudden appearence of cookie cat intern markie and geminite , a crystal being that spreads good will in crystal products<br>markie : if ya like something good for breakfast , and ya like to eat the food that keeps on giving , why not eat a magic crystal  
>oderus urungus : the only magic thing about a crystal is that you can smash it to bits and , what up , you're a geek , with crystal dust , all over your hands<br>announcer : oderus casts a scabbing and scabbing blood thirst arms and attempts to smash the crystal being when suddenly and without warning , the crystal gem leader , garnet punches in the cookie cat company door , followed by pearl , and amethyst and steven filter in to the company to face the almighty GWAR  
>garnet : i know beating and battering down the cookie cat company front door isn't in accord with our official handbook of cookie cat conduct , but the crystal gems sure know how to make a grand entrance , and 1st things 1st , we've come to save the crystal being<br>(wacky music is heard in the background)  
>oderus urungus : hahaha , huhah ho , you dare enter the forbidden zone of my new conquest , and the best thing they could sing about is a damn , crystal , with a guinea hat<br>garnet : hey , you don't hear the crystal gems insulting your , big , jerky dinosaur gor gor , do you , haha , but i see your point , and i raise you 2 fold , or even billfold , hit it guys , hit it crystal being , hit it markie , let's sing marauders to the tune of rachael  
>song : maraud , maraud , maraud , there's a story that must be told , about the marauders that aren't so old , they got knives , and they got guns , they're not really , very fun , why , i don't know , but they're here , and ya know , ya better , run away in fear , why oh why does the planet have fear<br>oderus urungus : HA , you think i'm going to eat you and then just be done with you , hahahahaha , i like to play with my food and it's tiny little miserable genitals , this 1 is called , crystalgemarama , with a battle cry go forth , which is to give the people what they want , and what the people want is sleazy p. martini to do this and not me , but since he's not here , i'm gonna talk to you about the senseless slaughter of the gutter slime which litters this nation for cash and prices , yes , cuz this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big , cuz when your life is , uh , you should just go buy scumdogs and listen to this , yeah , hello ms. crystal gem , nice to meet ya , smoke some crystal crack lately , how many crystal gems does it take to get dressed in the morning , 2 , 1 to cut the old fabric , and the other to put the crap on  
>garnet : you evil evil oderus urungus , might think you can burn us with your el stupido insults , but what really burns my hinny is that you didn't say THE crystal gems , which is in my world a 200 dollar fine , you tour de scum , you think you're almighty , you think you can outnumber the crystal gems with your gwarriors and many slave pits , well , let it be known that there are 4 of us , and we're as strong , and as uppity as ever , get 'em , the crystal gems , get them , kill , do it again<br>announcer : chaos and limotey breaks loose in the cookie cat company building , amethyst , the crystal gems' party animal , dropkicks GWAR's beefcake the mighty , garnet , the leader of the gems , darts for GWAR's leader , oderus urungus , and attempts to punch him in the face , oderus strikes his 2 handed sword across garnet's massive gauntlets , meanwhile , pearl , the smartest of the gems , jousts off with the big mouthed balsac the jaws of death , steven bouts it out with GWAR's pustulus maximus , who merely grabs him by the collar and slaps him around like a ragdoll , meanwhile , pearl has better luck with GWAR's bonesnapper , garnet attempts to take out oderus urungus , but oderus wamps over to the moving inginner , meanwhile , amethyst has better luck with the sexecutioner , and steven attempts to take out GWAR's jizmak da gusha , but jizmak attempts to smash him with his mighty hammer , and just when it seems that the crystal gems might overpower GWAR with their crystal powers , oderus urungus takes garnet hostage , and places his 2 handed sword to the crystal gem leader's throat , the other crystal gems , having already defeated a majority of their enemy , are shocked and shaken by this quick term of events , they are instantly taken down by the other gwarriors , their leader , garnet , is being pelted by GWAR's circumstance , not to mention the foulrific smell of oderus , and the gems begin thinking about how they're gonna end up , meanwhile , garnet is but seconds from a impending doom  
>oderus urungus : hahahahaha , yes , i , the almighty oderus , the greatest gwarrior of them all , and my good friend , the , cuttlefish of cthulu , have the cookie cat company , the crystal gems , and the world at my mercy , once i rid the crystal gems of their leader , the crystal cracks , hahahaha , will fair no better than the lives spent in their doomed temple , there is no hope , but for a unconditional defeat , you shall no longer , be , crystal GEMS , for i shall hunt you down and eat you , like , crystal , meth , and your defeat , will be a slow and painful , defeat , because , before i slurp down the brains of your oh so great leader , i'm going to humiliate her , by removing her , tight , little , eye goggles , and reveal her true identity<br>announcer : as oderus bumbles to degoggle garnet , pearl secretly schemes to save garnet , however , she is caught red handed by the sexecutioner , and oderus finds out , just as he is about to finish degoggling garnet , and oderus has the other gems painfully forced to view the humiliation of garnet  
>oderus urungus : well , now that that's taken care of , let's kill these morons , that's right , crystal cracks , your time is through (the sound of steel penetrating flesh is heard in the background)<br>announcer : immediately , the crystal gems are mutilated and dissected , and bonesnapper has the corpses loaded into GWAR's bat shaped airship  
>bonesnapper : that's right , ya didn't think we'd beat you did you , well , we did , i'm talkin' to a dead body<br>oderus urungus : yes , now , your pathetic crystal gems have been eliminated , and this pathetic planet is ours , now , you are to bow down before your masters , puny humans , and for all you bohabs out there , our mission is done , the world is now fully ours , so now , you can feel safe , knowing 1 of the biggest threats to our conquest of this planet is out of the way , feel free to go out and buy our merchandise , look cool in the streets , anyway , buy our new album battle maximus out on metal blade records , now we will leave this place and feast on the corpses of our enemies , and we leave you with a song from our new album , bloodbath  
>(bloodbath plays in the background)<br>(crying sounds are heard in the background)  
>random citizen : it's over , the world is taken over , the human race is lost<br>radio : kcxx , riverside , san berady


End file.
